Riding a sofa on the highway

As I was driving along the interstate today, I passed a pair of motorcyclists on a road trip. Probably headed to Sturgis. One was a younger guy who seemed a bit uncomfortable and nervous, constantly checking his mirrors. The other was an older guy, probably the young one's grandpa, and he looked so relaxed on his bike he could've almost been sitting on the sofa in his livingroom instead of barreling down the highway on a 2-wheeler.

This sight reminded me of the difference between a newbie stripper and an older, more experienced one. 14 years in, I reckon I'm about as comfortable in a strip club as anyone could be. Aside from the fact I wouldn't go anywhere in public in my PJs and with unbrushed teeth, I'm about as comfy in a strip club as I am on the sofa. Much like that grandpa on the bike.

I can't remember the last time I was nervous or shy approaching a customer. I'm as at-ease on stage in the buff as I am in the shower. I hardly think about anything I have to do at work, it's second nature. A lapdance is as easy for me to perform as any other daily activity.

Unlike newer girls, who so often appear awkward and mechanical, my movements are smooth and easy. I don't have to think about it. I imagine grandpa on his bike feels the same way about riding - he hasn't had to think about shifting or checking his mirrors in years.

Upon further reflection, it's no wonder older strippers are almost always the ones making most of the money. When buying something as intimate as a lapdance, would you rather get the equivalent of a hard-riding sports car that exaggerates every bump in the road, or a well-oiled machine that shifts and rides smoothly, and just lets each mile roll pleasantly out in front of you? Obviously, the hot new sports car is fun for a spin or two, but it's the well-maintained smooth rider that keeps you happy for the long haul ;-)

Traveling stripper lifestyle

Pic: The ladies bathroom at my club of the week.

First off, I managed to get a last minute booking for the rest of this week at the same club I'm booked into for the first week of August. This is convenient because it's fairly close to next week's booking. This club is about 4000 times better than the place I just left! It is surprisingly nice inside, with proper stages and lighting, well-kept and clean public spaces, and a very spacious dressing room with lots of counters and mirrors, a refrigerator and microwave. There's even a separate smoking section so non-smokers such as myself don't have to deal with all that second-hand smoke. The club area is smoke-free. So nice!

While my traveling stripper lifestyle certainly is not boring, it is far from glamorous. No fancy hotels or awesome nightlife. It can be a gruelling schedule, so efficiency and planning are extremely important.

Distance between towns is a major consideration when booking each week on the road. Most of the clubs I work these days are in small towns and are open Monday-Saturday. As a "road girl" you work the full week, leaving only Sunday to pack up, drive to the next town and get ready for the next week.

I prefer camping over staying in hotels for a few reasons: cost-saving, living in a tent forces me to keep up at the gym because I use them for showers, I keep a better routine because the weather wakes me up before noon so I sleep right after work, and there are no bed bugs in my tent! Admittedly, I'm a bit paranoid of hotels since the bed bug incident.

Sometimes I will sleep in my minivan in a Wal-Mart parking lot. It is quite comfortable, and with the dark tinted side windows and sunshades blocking the front and rear, I have privacy while being inconspicuous in plain sight, as well as shade from the sun.

There is always wifi available somewhere so I can keep up with my internetting, locating new clubs to work, schedule planning, etc. Sometimes I find it in truckstops, laundromats, internet cafes, hotel parking lots (ha), libraries, occasionally even at the strip club!

Each week, I search the internet for campgrounds, gyms, banks, post office, health / organic food stores or cafes and wifi in the town I'm working the following week. I also research clubs and work on my route a few weeks out. Generally, you have to book work at least a month in advance so the planning process is a near-constant endeavor.

I keep everything locked in my car while camping so organization is also important. I keep my things organized each day so I don't have to waste time finding what I need for the gym or work.

My toothbrush and toothpaste live in a baggie my purse so I can brush my teeth on the go in a public bathroom or even outside using some of the bottled water I keep handy. When I first started doing this, I was a little nervous about people's reactions upon seeing me brushing my teeth where ever; however I quickly found that most people are surprisingly oblivious! If you act completely normal, most people barely notice.

My daily routine: Wake up around 10 or 11am, get to the bathroom and brush teeth, make sure I have clothes and work stuff in my work and gym bags, clean an apple, to eat as I head off to my wifi spot for the day. Internet, lunch, laundry or shopping if needed, gym, work. After work I will shower at my current gym or campground and get into my gym clothes for the next day, then bed. General work and gym/shower supplies live in those bags, so I only have to rotate clothes for the day.

I keep a bag of apples, paper towels and plastic utensils, a knife and cutting board, and protein bars in my grocery stash. I buy lunch and food for work at whatever health / grocery store I can find. I always bring healthy food to work to munch on during short breaks throughout the shift. Once weekly, I'll splurge on a nice restaurant meal or fast food to satisfy my cravings.

As you can probably see by now, it isn't difficult at all to maintain a healthy lifestyle on the road. In fact, with a bit of planning and experience, I find it easier than if I'm living in a "proper" home because I don't have time to get lazy :-)

Apparently toilet paper is a hot commodity on the road. Ha

Strip Club Fail

I just worked at the most pathetic strip club I've ever seen. The place is beyond dive.

The bartender wears slippers at work - pink (or used to be pink) house shoes. The strippers sit around playing cards with the customers (if you can call them customers, they don't buy any dances) in between their stage sets.

One of the girls fancies herself a diva but is clearly about 10 years past her prime; she works overtime trying to make herself look oh-so-important. The other was a plain drunk who couldn't function without several shots. That was their entire selection besides me.

The DJ is so useless, the strippers play their own music while he sits in the booth literally doing nothing. The bartender announces the girls with her portable mic from behind the bar. What are the girls paying the DJ for??

The diva girl lives in a camper parked behind the club. I guess that's convenient. Since the DJ doesn't even know how to use the music equipment, the girls manage the music in the computer and set up their own playlists for every set. Diva girl, pretending to be nice at the beginning of the shift, offered to load my music from my USB drive onto the computer, but instead deleted all the music from my USB! Grrrr!! Now I have to go through the files on my laptop and reload work music to the USB. Annoying.

The guys are allowed to lie on their backs on the stage for a dancer to dry hump them in front of everyone for ONE DOLLAR. Not one lapdance was sold all night. Why buy a lapdance when you can get dry-humped on stage for $1? This club reaches a whole 'nother level of pathetic that I don't remember ever seeing in my 14 years of stripping!

The dressing room is literally a storage room with a couple mirrors and some old room divider thrown in. Notice the vacuum cleaner in the one pic - I'd bet that thing hasn't been used in 10 years. LOL. The pics in this post are all from the dressing room, and the pics just don't convey how terrible it is. The usable space in there is about 5 feet by 6 feet. Not exactly user-friendly.

The place is a disaster all around. The pole feels like it's about to fall down any second. Nasty, grimy bathrooms that look like they haven't been cleaned since the Vietnam war. The pool table had dead bugs of various species all over the felt. I'm sure that makes for some interesting pool games!

I finally walked out of the place with a whopping $10, and I didn't even have to pay any fees! Needless to say, I will not be back to this club. $10 is not worth rolling out of bed for, certainly not worth taking clothes off.

Now I have to find somewhere to work the rest of this week, because I'm in yet another podunk town and my next booking starts Monday, July 27. Hmmmm, where to work??

Some of the perils of stripping on the road

These days, I work weekly bookings in small towns in the upper midwestern part of the USA. This is great for me because I get less bored when I'm always going somewhere, and that "new girl factor" lasts MUCH longer when you're always on the road. (The hot new girl in any club almost always makes alot more money because guys always like variety. In small town clubs where customers see the same girls over and over most of the time, a hot new girl REALLY does well because she's such a huge novelty in such places.)

I've always loved traveling, the free feeling of being on the road, meeting new people and seeing different places. Being a gypsy stripper works great for me.

However, the "gypsy" life is not without its problems.

Aside from minor inconveniences like dealing with mail and banking issues, there are other, more serious problems one can encounter while on the road.

Good healthy food isn't always readily available, especially in small towns.

It can be difficult to replace broken stripper shoes in a pinch. Many towns don't have any stores that sell stripper clothes, shoes, garters, thongs, etc, so if you lose something, or find yourself in a club requiring specific items you don't own, or something gets ruined, it's not always easy to find quick replacements.

I have had to use things like super-glue, shoe goo and colored duck tape to make emergency shoe / boot repairs and I now keep these items with me. I also keep a sewing kit with several colors of multi-purpose thread for emergency clothing repairs. I also have plenty of safety pins, spare buttons and snaps and velcro strips.

Finding a good car repair shop can be difficult when you're always new in town. I drive a late model car but things do happen occasionally. I have had to deal with a blown radiator cap, dead battery, fuel pump going out, and flat tires. AAA's Plus service is great for roadside assistance. It can be your best friend when you're stuck on the side of a lonely highway in the middle of nowhere.

I carry a set of tools and plenty of water in case I need to make minor vehicle repairs. I can change my tires and battery, fill the radiator and fluids, hookup batteries for a jumpstart, and do other superficial fixes. I have had to replace my luggage rack, rain guards, mirrors, fuses, light bulbs. No sense paying for such simple work - one simple job can cost as much as the tools I own.

I've learned to keep tea tree oil and plain yogurt around all the time. The yogurt is the best yeast infection treatment I've found. Thankfully I don't get yeast infections often, but it is never welcome when your job is to take your clothes off and dance in close proximity to strangers.

Tea tree oil works as an antiseptic / antifungal and can be used to treat any number of things. I recently stayed in a nice hotel....but it had bed bugs. I had to wash all my clothing and such in hot water with Dr Brommer's detergent mixed with tea tree oil to ensure I didn't carry the bugs with me. Of course, I checked out of the hotel the instant I realized there were bed bugs.

I still have bites left though, and they are ITCHY. Very unpleasant.

Of course, as a single young woman traveling alone, I have to be constantly aware of my surroundings for safety. Always watching for cars following me, or people loitering around the club after work. As I leave work, hide my cash on my person in ways would-be thieves are least likely to find it all. Keep everything locked at all times - car, rooms, luggage, gym lockers, etc. I often camp instead of pay for hotel rooms, so I have to take precautions to minimize my risk.

Gyms are great places to exercise, tan and shower, but I'm afraid of getting athlete's foot so I wear rubber flip flops in gym showers. I never walk barefoot in public.

Finally, it is never a good idea to let people know too much about you on the road. The information strangers can find about you these days is scary, so I never give people at work any personal info, not even my first name. In fact, I don't give any personal info to anyone in the towns I work, because you just never know who you're talking to.

Lest I give the impression I live in fear or danger, I'd like to end this post by saying I absolutely do not. It is not difficult to take basic safety precautions, and if anything, doing so gives me more peace of mind. I am aware and watchful, but not paranoid or scared. Traveling is fun! Being careful merely helps ensure it stays fun.